4 Ways To Stop Money From Destroying Your Relationship (Free Worksheet Included)

I am not going to lie, our first year of marriage was a little rocky. There was a huge adjustment period, and we were both trying to figure out who we were. One evening at the grocery store, last minute, I threw a bag of Skittles on the grocery conveyor belt. My husband looked at me like I had just committed a crime, but didn’t say anything. Moments later, once we were in the privacy of our car, he told me that I was ruining our finances with my impulsivity. Bewildered with his ridiculous notion that a $0.37 bag of Skittles would even slightly affect our finances, I started pointing out the things that he spent money on. It became a huge argument, and it took awhile for us to both cool down. After we were both calm, we realized we needed to discuss our finances and come up with a better plan.

After a few hours of communicating our concerns, we decided to come up with a rule, we call it the “$20 rule”. The rule is, that if we want to buy ourselves an item, and the item is under $20, we do not have to get approval from the other person. If it is over $20, we must discuss it with our partner and make sure they are ok with it. Now this doesn’t mean we can go on a shopping spree and buy fifty, $20 items. We also don’t have to seek each other’s approval if we buy groceries or gas and the balance exceeds $20. The consensus was that we will try to spend as little as possible, but if we want to treat ourselves once in awhile with an item under $20 we can.

Money Can Destroy Relationships

When people combine two separate lives into one, it can be chaos. There are many ways money issues affect and ruin relationships. According to The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, money issues are the 3rd leading cause of divorce, affecting 22% of all divorces. This doesn’t even take into consideration couples that break up before marriage due to money issues.

Luckily, there are ways you can prevent money from ruining your relationship. If you are struggling in your marriage, or new to a relationship I recommend you take these 4 things into consideration while trying to balance romance and money

#1. Make a Money Rule

As I mentioned earlier, my husband and I were able to establish a “$20 Rule”. This rule has helped us maintain some autonomy, have some freedom, but also keep communication open. The amount of money is completely subjective. At the beginning of your relationship you may have only enough money to make a “$5 Rule”. As time passes your amount may increase. As long as you both honor the rule, it will significantly make a positive impact on your relationship.

#2. Figure Out The Best Way You Should Combine Your Finances

Separate or Joint Accounts? That is the Question!

Chances are you had your own life before you met your partner. You had your own money, own bank account, and own methods of managing your finances. Once you decide to share your life with someone, combining finances can be difficult. Here are 3 common ways you can combine your finances.

Joint Accounts

The most ideal combination of finances between two people is to combine everything. Checking accounts, savings accounts, credit cards, and debt. This way both parties are perfectly aware of what the other person is spending, and there is less room for secrecy (although it still is possible). While this method works well for many couples, for some it just doesn’t. It’s ok if it doesn’t, every couple is different!

The upside to this method is that all spending habits are completely transparent to both partners. The downside to this method is that it becomes increasingly difficult to surprise each other or buy each other gifts.

Separate but Equal Accounts

Another common way to combine finances is to have separate accounts, but have one joint account that the bills get paid with. My parents have been married for 36 years, and use this method because it works for them.

How you divide expenses is completely up to you. If you have an expense or debt that you incurred before you were with your partner you may decide to share the expense, or take responsibility for it completely. Other expenses such as rent or mortgage payments, joint cell phone plans, utility bills, cable/internet, groceries, and gas can be pooled together as monthly expenses.

It’s your choice whether you want to divide the expenses 50/50 or base expenses on a percentage of income. For instance, let’s say monthly expenses are $1,500 a month, one person takes home $5,000 a month, and the other $1,000 a month. If you divide the expenses in half, each would pay $750 a month. Leaving one with $250 extra, and the other $4,250 extra. However if you each pay 25% one person would pay $250, and the other would pay $1,250. Figure out what works for you, and what helps you both succeed!

Positive aspects of the combining accounts method is that you still have complete autonomy. This works if you are trying to reach specific financial goals, and your partner does not share the same financial ideals. This method is also beneficial for couples that value having financial independence from one another. Having separate accounts does make it easier to buy each other gifts.

Negative aspects can be that the other partner may not be completely honest how they are spending their money. They could have secret credit cards, and have serious financial issues. If you decide this method is the best for you as a couple, you need to make sure communication about money remains open.

Completely Separate

The last way you can combine your finances, is by not combining your finances! You can have completely separate accounts, and drastically different financial lives. You will have to come to an agreement with who pays what bill, but everything else is separate. Some people prefer this, especially those that have had children and past marriages. This method works for some people, and is ok as long as both members of the relationship are happy with this arrangement. This method does not encourage communication and can lead to financial secrecy.

Discovering What Works for You

Deciding how to combine finances can be difficult. If something doesn’t work, try something else. Figure out what works for you as a couple, not what others tell you is “best”. If one person doesn’t make as much money, come to an agreement with them. Cooking, cleaning, organizing, and taking care of children is equally valuable. Make sure you both feel equal, and that you are communicating your concerns. If you keep communication open, and both agree to a particular method, it will work.

#3 Avoid Secrecy, Communicate Openly

I have heard so many stories from friends that will buy items and “hide” them. One person I know would pretend she got gifts from family members, when really she was secretly purchasing the items herself. Her lying ended up destroying her relationship, and her partner was never able to fully trust her.

Financial infidelity can be as emotionally damaging as cheating. If one person is having a difficult time controlling their spending they may start lying, and hiding what they purchase. Secrets keep you sick, don’t let them destroy your relationship. If you are struggling with spending, chances are you have a deeper issue. It is important to talk with your partner about it. They may get angry at first, but if they love you, they will work with you to help improve the situation.

If you suspect your partner is struggling with out of control spending, it is important to talk with them about it. Offer them a safe place in which they can open up to you. It’s ok to be upset, but really try to listen nonjudgmentally. If the issues don’t get brought into the light, they can’t ever be dealt with.

#4 Goals and Dreams about the Future

Growing old with someone you love can be amazing. I imagine myself being older with my husband, having a cabin by the lake, and being able to travel to other countries a few times a year. Although these goals are just not financially reachable right now, I know if we work together we can achieve them.

Figuring out what your partner wants out of life is important. Does it align with your dreams? Are you both willing to make a few small sacrifices now for an amazing future? Maybe you both really happy and want to live as you’re living now!

It’s really important to talk about what you want in life. Have goals, have dreams, and work together to achieve them. Your life partner should support you, and help you become a better person. You need to return that support, and encourage them, even when things are difficult.

It’s Time To Have An Open, Honest, Discussion

Finances are so important to talk about with your partner. It can be difficult to get on the same page, but be completely open when discussing money. Listen to what your loved one has to say, and make “I” statements when discussing how you feel. Be completely vulnerable and honest. If your partner refuses to listen, you may need to change how you manage finances together.

If you are having a difficult time figuring out how to bring up finances with your spouse or partner I created a free worksheet! Click the link below to print the PDF!

Managing Money As A Couple Worksheet PDF

Print out one PDF for yourself, and the other for your partner. Fill the worksheets out separately, than come together for a discussion.

If you have any questions or concerns feel free to contact me any time HERE

What is the best money advice you have received concerning money and relationships?